Things I won't say out loud

I wish I could throw up all of my emotions. Not words describing them, but literally my emotions. Words are too harsh, and sometimes, there are no words to describe what I feel. For once, I would like to feel empty, because I don’t have that much strength to deal with all that’s going on around.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing here. Or what I’m here for. Or if someone cares. And recently, I don’t know has become my favourite expression. I guess it’s not good. But I don’t know. 

…I had deleted your number before I got drunk. This feeling is unbearable. Why is that boys can’t just tell you ‘get lost’? I would appreciate that, really. Anything is better than this sudden silence I can’t get over, and I can’t put my feelings into a silly box called ‘you’, because you are always on the surface of my thoughts. And that really sucks, and I would like to tell you that, but I know you’d run away, as you always do. And I want to get back the happy me, I don’t want to be the person I’ve become recently, but I just can’t.

Cheers for these sober thoughts on my drunk mind!

When he texts me: Why is he writing?

When he doesn’t text me: Why isn’t he writing?

Drop everything now,

Meet me in the pouring rain,

Kiss me on the sidewalk,

Take away the pain.

Damn you, Taylor Swift. You know too well what’s on my mind.

I’ll just stay with nothing, that’s ok, too.

Uh. I hate to write it, but it’s true. I’ve been flirting with a guy recently, a lot, and I guess he’s kind of into me now. But I’m scared I’m not into him, because… I still think about you. And yet, he will be tonight with me, you will not. All my friends say I should forget about you, but it’s not that easy, considering you were my first crush. And instead of being happy and moving on, here I am, thinking about what if you called me and wanted to meet? What would I feel?

Instead of being excited, I feel like a huge cheater. Moving on is not my strength I guess.

I can’t work out this pretending thing. One moment everything is perfect and I think that I can handle every single thing in the world. The next moment I’m so tired that I can’t see the point in anything. Like now.

I’m waiting for the night when you call me, and I say ‘but who’s calling?’. 

How many times in your life you said you give someone his/her last chance? How many times did it work out? How many times this last chance turned out to be a disaster? How many last chances did you give to one person you wished in the entire world to use this last chance well?

What is it that we have so great faith in people when we can’t find it within ourselves? I believe it’s because we don’t want to get rid of certain people in our lives - because we know them too long, care about them too much, love them, even though we shouldn’t.

I am willing to give you one last chance. To give us one last chance. I am afraid that you will reject me, laugh at me… I am afraid of failing it. But I want you in my life… in case you haven’t caught that fact yet.

I’m afraid I fell in love with you. But I won’t say it out loud.

*keeping my eyes closed, my fingers crossed*